Diary of a parastatal CEO

June
It’s been one month since I was appointed as the CEO of this parastatal. I went through a very rigorous interview process and turns out that I scored the lowest out of the three finalists at 68%. However, the other two finalists were from a tribe viewed as having too many of its members in the public sector so they chose me instead as I come from a “small” tribe. Thank God for “small” mercies. But I will prove to everyone that I can do this job as good as anyone else. Anyway the targets are so low compared to my former private sector employer that this will definitely be a walk in the park.

July

Did I say this job would be a walk in the park? Tsavo National Park more likely! There are hyenas, vultures and all manner of scavengers that hunt in the corridors of this building. Everyone is looking for some action whether it’s in the form of a procurement contract or employment for his or her relatives. I can’t stand it when Lydia my secretary tells me that some random politician is on the phone waiting to speak to me. I’ve now stopped taking their calls. My finance manager tells me that is a career-limiting move. I told him exactly where he could stick his opinion!

August
I should have listened to the finance manager. My name is being bandied about in parliament like a football in the dying minutes of a sudden death match. Apparently some members of parliament are questioning the whole recruitment process saying that I did not even qualify to be on the shortlist of the final three. One MP even had the temerity to say that I was fired from my last job because I failed an audit in my department three years in a row! That chap can’t spell audit even if the words were stapled to his forehead. I should know, he asked me to employ his son in the “marteking deptament”. Those were the exact handwritten words in his barely legible scrawl in his letter. I need to find a godfather. Fast.

September
I found a godfather. Or rather, my godfather found me. He called me two days after the parliamentary maelstrom and said he could make the problem go away. I asked him how. He told me not to worry, we “small tribesmen” have to stick together. He might as well have thrown a floater at a drowning sailor; I grasped that lifeline as if my life depended on it. Actually my life did depend on it. Miraculously, the problem disappeared and suddenly no one was interested in my qualifications or lack thereof anymore. So this is how things work around here! I roll up my sleeves and got to work, there are customers to be served and targets to be met.

October
The Minister under whose ministry my parastatal falls under summoned me to his office. He made me wait for two hours before I was ushered into his red-carpeted office. I had time to observe that he had 3 secretaries in his reception. Clearly separation of duties was a big issue here as I observed one secretary receive letters, pass them to the second one to open the envelopes who then passed them to the third one to stamp “received” with a big office stamp. I felt a twinge of pity for my Lydia, I think she is very overworked. The Minister was not happy with me as I had not paid him a visit ever since I took on the job in June. Four whole months! Who did I think I was, he growled. I had him to thank for my job and I needed to always remember that. I nodded like a marionette, mumbled my sincere apologies and pledged my loyalty as if my life depended on it. Godfather called me as I was being driven back to the office. He told me not to worry, all ministers needed to sabre rattle to show who was in control. How he knew I had just come from seeing the Minister surprised me.

November
I caved in and hired fifty more people who were “recommended” by their parliamentary representatives. I had to forget about those staff to total cost ratios that were ingrained in me in my previous job. Apparently no one ever looks at those kinds of operational efficiency numbers on this side of the street. How is that even possible? I thought my task was to deliver service to our customers but generate a good profit for our shareholder, the government. My godfather set me straight on that misconception as we had lunch the other day. He also told me about a big procurement of some equipment that we needed to do to “improve operational efficiency” in the organization. Somehow the irony was lost on him. He gave me an envelope that had details of the Request for Proposals we needed to publish to tender for the equipment. The steely glint in his eye as his eyes met mine across the table was not caused by the gin and tonics he was knocking back with his lunch. The chickens were coming home to roost.

December
We closed the tendering process for the equipment. The tender requirements were so stringent that only three companies qualified. Godfather was pleased. I didn’t want to ask him what his connection was to the three companies, but they were all registered in a remote island famous for being a tax haven. I’m developing a thick skin, quick wits and an ability to pledge loyalty at the drop of a hat. My former colleagues would be shocked as I was always perceived to have an inflated sense of self-importance and never bowed my head to anyone. It’s a jungle out here, and something tells me even though I am CEO, I’ll always be at the bottom of the food chain.

[email protected]
Twitter: @carolmusyoka