MPs Performance appraisal

April 30, 2012

My copy editor and I have an unwritten pact. I am only to submit business related articles as this honorable newspaper is suitably titled “The Business Daily” as he noted some tendencies to political leanings on my side. Well, today I want to opine on the business of appraising employees and how to view a Member of Parliament as your employee, since you the tax payer are paying his salary, ergo, you are his employer.

Last week’s Daily Nation of Thursday, April 26th had a news story that caught my eye and made me realize that performance appraisals of members of parliament are desperately needed. The story, titled “MPs want taxpayer to foot Kshs 18 billion bill” made me want to gag. Actually – truth be told – I wanted to vomit all over the MPs shoes, in the famous words of the former British High Commissioner Sir Edward Clay. Anyway back to the business part of the story. So the honorable members of the tenth parliament –who, by the way, mysteriously passed the Finance Bill 2011 in April 2012 (!!) only after their retirement packages were included therein – have asked the Treasury to set aside Kshs 500 million to cover their taxes between July 1st 2012 and January 15th 2013 when their term expires. Added to this trifling amount, is the miniscule Kshs 868 million to be used to cater for the payment of winding up allowances and gratuity for the MPs at the expiry of their five-year parliamentary term. I looked out of my office window as I read this story. Life was moving along swimmingly. There were no placard and tree branch waving activists on the streets complaining about this travesty. Kenyans seemed to have gasped inaudibly to themselves, shrugged their collective shoulders and moved right along. So I decided to do the same. But I wrote this piece first.

In my former life, one of my previous employers had a very simple but effective performance appraisal system known as the Five C’s. One was appraised on five core objectives of the company that all started with the letter C: Company, Customer, Colleague, Controls and Community. Simply stated, an employee was rated on how he had contributed to the Company’s financial bottom line, what he had done to improve the Customer experience, what he had done to improve the life of his peers or subordinates – Colleagues, how he had kept his function in Control by managing risk well and, finally, what he had done for his Community through charitable work. For me to even begin negotiating for a salary increase or to pray feverishly for a good bonus at the end of the year, I would have had to score highly on my five C’s. If I ever asked my employer to pay my taxes for me or set funds aside for me without any contribution on my part as gratuity, well, put it this way, I would have been shown the front door faster than you can say “you need to stop sniffing those drugs.”

So in keeping with the business standards of this newspaper, I will promptly give the MPs an appraisal as the taxpayer and employer that is going to pay these ridiculous sums on their behalf. Company will of course be replaced by Country while Constituents will replace Customer. Here goes: Country : you have contributed positively to this country’s bottom line. You have created and passed legislation that has singularly driven GDP growth by increasing factors of production that translate into lower unemployment, more locally produced goods and services and less taxes to the ordinary citizen. Your rating: Excellent. Constituents: you have served your customer the constituent well by always being available for meetings, harambees, funerals and who knows what else. Your constituents see you every weekend and you take particular pleasure stepping out of your public coffer funded motor vehicle to walk the trenches with them and understand their problems. Your rating: Superb. Colleagues: you are well respected by your fellow MPs, and the bonhomie as well as collegiate spirit that you share especially when pillorying people who have been summoned before your select committees is commendable. The fact that you rest your head on your colleague’s shoulders at times when you occasionally take brief naps during parliamentary sessions to recharge your batteries is very sweet. The staff in your local CDF office also say that you are the paragon of leadership and that you have personally mentored them on how to keep good financial accounts and undertake strategic planning for projects. Your rating: Terrific. Control: you are in control of the country, the constituency and the Executive’s coffers. Completely. Totally. Unassailably. Your rating: First-Class. Community: Remember that time when you were feeling reasonably philanthropic and paid your…oh well…forget about it. You care about your community and that’s why you represent it in Parliament. Your rating: Generous.

Your overall rating is an A+. As a result, this country will pay your taxes for you and will also pay you money to see you leave your gracious office. On a parting note, I would like to share five of my favorite previous comments made by other supervisors about their employees during appraisal time. These have absolutely no bearing on your appraisal and are merely included here for their entertainment value. Number 5: “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.” Number 4: “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.” Number 3: “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.” Number 2: “When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.” And the Number 1 appraisal comment that has absolutely nothing to do with your MP appraisal is: “This employee should go far – and the sooner he starts the better.”
See you next year for your annual appraisal, assuming that you’ll be back in Parliament.
[email protected]
Twitter: @carolmusyoka

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