The Silent Noise of Non Verbal Cues

About nine years ago when I was just starting out as a rookie in the consulting world, I teamed up with a senior consultant to submit a proposal to a mid-sized banking industry client. We were warmly met by the CEO in his office, where he poured each of us pretty decent coffee out of a French press into dainty cups. Once the small talk was over, my senior colleague handed over the proposal which the CEO opened with much flourish. His eyes slightly watered and his shoulders sagged imperceptibly all of which was noticed by my colleague. I, quite frankly, was still marveling at the piquant tones of the French pressed coffee that I was slowly sipping. We chitchatted and concluded the meeting with a promise from the CEO that he would get back to us.

I left the meeting with the presumption that we had the deal in the bag. My senior brought my pipe dreams to a resounding halt by the time the lift hit the ground floor. She described the CEO’s body language which belied the bonhomie that he displayed towards the tail end of the meeting. She was absolutely right. We never heard from him again.

Last week I sat through an interesting executive coaching training session. We undertook some practical exercises and the facilitator brought my own body language to my attention. I had started off my crossing my arms across my chest which is often perceived as a closed and defensive posture in a two person conversation. I was fairly ticked off with myself as I have often called out other people in sessions that I myself have facilitated for doing the exact same thing. But because I was self-conscious and slightly nervous about the exercise we were doing, I unconsciously reacted in a self-preservative manner. The CEO episode and my senior colleague’s instincts were my first true lessons about the subtle power of non-verbal cues in interpersonal encounters. So I learnt to spend less time savoring the coffee more time observing people during meetings which has helped me tremendously in determining if a meeting is making progress or not.

For instance, two colleagues that I have had to interact with in the past will only engage on business matters if I make my pitch within the first two minutes of the conversation. Strangely enough the two, who are completely unrelated but work in the same organization, cannot get past minute three without their eyes glazing over and their mind wandering elsewhere. Now you must understand, I am not there to ask for money or for a business deal. I’m there to discuss an issue in their respective organization that I am trying to sort it on their behalf. It was fairly disconcerting in the beginning as I would end up feeling frustrated and helpless as I nattered on ceaselessly (where ceaselessly would be about five interminable minutes) to an unresponsive counterpart. The options at the beginning were two: adopt the classic Kenyan passive aggressive behavior and simply stop talking mid-sentence or take the more dramatic approach which would be to snap my fingers in front of their faces and demand to be listened to.

But I had to take a step back and ask myself why these two fairly senior fellows both exhibited the same tendencies. Was it something about the organization’s strategic importance that ensured their minds were constantly whirring with activity which precluded their ability to concentrate on anything non-strategic? Their non-verbal cues were as loud as two clashing cymbals in a marching band. My solution to the problem was to speak rapidly in one minute and follow the opening line with a series of questions that start with “What do you think about….?” aimed at eliciting a response and hopefully a resolution within five minutes of the precious time I was being unconsciously allocated.
Non-verbal cues are an integral part of most interpersonal encounters and their recognition is a critical requirement in the emotional intelligence toolkit for team leaders. They often indicate the tone of a meeting and whether a positive outcome has been achieved consensually, rather than one party leaving a meeting feeling that he has achieved what is, in reality, a hollow victory.

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Twitter: @carolmusyoka