Why I want to be a Parastatal CEO.

This year has been replete with jaw dropping, atrocious public sector boardroom shenanigans. From the very unhealthy National Hospital Insurance Fund drama, the media frenzy for corporate blood and gore was further cemented by the East African Portland Cement disaster. The drama then witnessed the take off of the Kenya Airports Authority jet sized skirmish.

In all of this mess, I hope anyone who is even thinking about taking on a CEO role at any of these organizations, or any parastatal for that matter has a steel lined stomach for all the bile that will be formed during the natural course of a day, a forked tongue for all the boots that need to be licked and a rhino skin leather girdle for the protection of his loins that will get kicked every now and then. One does start to wonder who would apply for the position of parastatal CEO in the current political environment.

So for what it is worth, I believe that the next job advertisements for public sector CEOs should clearly state the following:

ABC is the leading organization in its mandated area of jurisdiction. As a parastatal we do not have to worry about market forces or shareholder expectations. We rule the market and we run to court whenever the shareholder tries to flex their muscle. As a public sector organization, we are expected to play by the rules, but every now and then we push the envelope a bit and make our own rules. Speaking of envelopes, there are plenty to be found here in all shapes and sizes. The Board of ABC is happy to announce that it is looking for a victim – sorry- a CEO to come in and maintain the status quo. No bright ideas, no blue sky thinking, no things-to-change-in-100-days mentality please.

1. Position: The position is primarily horizontal as the role holder is expected to lie flat on his or her stomach as they dodge the myriad bullets that fly around the war zone of an office.

2. Reporting Line: The role holder is expected to report to the Board. Wait, actually the role holder is expected to report to the line ministry. Stop! It is the Board. Ermmm….look ,we’ll get back to the role holder during the course of his or her (short-lived) contract as we’re still trying to get that figured out ourselves.

3. Educational Requirements: Undergraduate Degree in any field of specialization (holders of degrees in law, business, economics, all engineering disciplines, accounting and medicine are discouraged from applying as they tend to ask too many difficult questions.) A masters degree would be a plus but really, in the greater scheme of things, that would mean that you are far more educated than most of the board members so we would prefer that you keep it simple and limit your educational background to a basic degree.

4. Professional Requirements: At least seven years experience working as a senior manager in an organization of your choice. Self employed candidates are strongly encouraged to apply as we note that they are typically very grateful for landing a salaried job after years of struggling in entrepreneurship. Internal candidates are also strongly encouraged to apply as they know who rules the roost in this town [they also know the importance of having board sitting allowance envelopes ready to be distributed at every board sitting]. International applicants are NOT encouraged to apply.

5. Primary Duties and Responsibilities:

(a) To provide leadership to the organization and to deliver on its core mandate, which mandate is one thing on paper and another thing in reality;
(b) To drive the institution to deliver on its yet-to-be-signed performance contract with the government. Don’t worry; those performance contracts are simply a public relations exercise. The Board will protect you if anyone from Serikali comes after you;
(c) To procure large contracts with the sole approval [and silent involvement] of the board. No one else. Not the line minister. Not his henchmen. Not the tenderpreneurs that are sure to circle around your office. Those babies are ours. OURS!
(d) To oversee the creation and execution of the organization’s budget. To ensure that said budget has sufficient padding for “competitive” procurement.
(e) To do all of the above, particularly and especially (c ).

6. Key Competencies
a) Proficiency in using a shredder and leaving no evidence behind you;
b) Proficiency in multi-tasking and taking orders from different people in one board [By the way, on this board, Chairman’s word is not always final];
c) Proficiency in forging ahead even though you have left a trail of destruction behind you;
d) Proficiency to find places abroad for the board to do at least three investigative trips a year on how to better the organization locally. Such trips should permit spouses to accompany board members with no requirement for such “spouse” to provide evidence of marriage;
e) Proficiency in sitting in four board committee meetings a month to discuss strategy for the organization and not complaining that the board is becoming more operational than supervisory;
f) Proficiency not to complain, period.

7. Application Deadlines
If you think you are suitable for this job, please submit your written application accompanied by your CV and copies of your educational certificates to the Company Secretary whose address appears below. We warn you that we do know that the current Company Secretary is harbouring desires to apply for this job too so don’t be surprised if you do not find your name in the short list as your application disappeared in the pile that made it to the Board Committee reviewing this process. We therefore suggest that you get your Member of Parliament involved in the process too as he will definitely have one of the board member’s numbers on his fast dial. Deadline for this job is September 10th 2012. What? It’s today? Uh-oh!

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Twitter: @carolmusyoka